It's Over...

Today is the last class days of my senior year.

It's gone by fast.

I only have 2 more periods left

English 11
+
Government

I have to do my roundtable today or else i will NOT graduate June 22nd.

So i half-assed it last night.

Give or take it's something, better than nothing.

My presentation will be crap.

I am going to talk for 3 minutes or last i'm sure

Questions i hoped won't be asked cause i honestly know nothing about this stuff.

Maybe i should be looking up some stuff but 20 minutes doesn't really give you an opening.

Anyway.

I'm defiantly graduating now.

As for my tattoo idea......I have gotten so many back. I wasn't expecting as many as i got.

Mr. Thompson made the butterfly almost like a swallow tail. The shrooms...SUPER MARIO!!!

So here i am stuck.

I believe i will hold on tally on Myspace. See who likes what more.

I still haven't gotten some from people I EXPECTED to.

Sad just a wee bit.

As my minutes are dwindling down...I'm thinking about how June 22nd will be.

My mom and grandpa in the stands.

Wishing my grandma was here to see me instead of Bonnie. My Aunt Shirlee who lives in Ohio.

I don't expect her to travel out just to see me gradute.

It's nothing new to her.

So much to think about in such little time.

It's mind twisting!

Counting

The days are limited.

School is over in excatly 4 days including the weekend.

So 2 if you really care.

I'm scared. Terrifed i believe is more the word i want to use.

I need a job.

Everytime I try to get one..."we aren't hiring anymore..."

I've lost about 4 jobs that way. BK, Thristy's, McDonalds, and La Vias.

I have so many wants just like a normal teenage girl would have. But these wants are of different lines. I want money so that i can help out my mom, while i try to find my own place. I want another iguana. 30 bucks for an igglet. Then i have to get a cage 50 i believe would be best and then the food every week. I don't care though. I want another one so bad. I have no where to put it though. I want a kitten. I would keep it with Dave but i mean....is this "thing" going to last? I don't want to put my animals with heartache. That's right, i treat them like my child.

There has been agruements before with Dave over animals. I won with Marius (my iguana) because he IS mine. If it wasn't for Big Dave letting me keep him at the apartment i wouldn't have him. I'm the one that mostly wants these animals. AND I would have to support them. Which isn't a problem as long as I have a job.

Reality is hitting me hard. I'm so terrifed of life, though all along i have been living.....I haven't been living the adult life.

How will i support myself? I'd pick my animals over myself any day. I don't want to have to relay on my mom. I know that it's what i will do until she dies though. Even after she is gone i will suffer from not being able to go to her and ask her for something.

I can see it now.

I will never talk to my sister.

It's not something i need to live.

Maybe i'll call once a month....maybe 4 times a year.

All i know is it isn't important to keep her in my life.

I love her....don't get me wrong....it's just she's done nothing for me.

I turned 18 in October. It's now June.

We had "Hollywood" Happenings and the Tattoo Bus had come once again this year. My sister got a My Little Pony tattoo above her left breast. To my surprise when i asked her to buy me a tattoo she said i don't now lets see how much mine will cost. The fact she even was thinking about it shocked me.

So everything worked out and she was there with me as I got my first tattoo. While i was getting it done she started talking about mom and how they'd pitch in together. Mind you we never talked to my mom about this. So when i got home later that night I told my mom i had a tattoo. I showed her and then my sister was like yea so pay me back half of what it cost. My mom was like what? So the tattoo became my graduation gift.

My tattoo costed 50 dollars and i paid him 60. He did good with me. Kept me calm and it was a nice experience. Mom paid 30 and so did my sister.

What a gift for them only having to spend 30 bucks on a graduation gift.

It's not colored in, just the outline and the little body part of the butterfly is colored in. I printed out numerous copies of my tattoo and i am having people color it. If i like what they have done I will get it done. I think it's a pretty sweet idea.

http://www.findagoth.com/?object=gallery&action=view_photo&id=38878&photo_id=223580

I lighten the picture so that people could actually color it. I told them to use color pencils.

The days are limited.

Everything has happened so fast.

Where do i begin now?

Same-Sex Marriages + My Opinion = Anger

Welcome to my Language

Yesterday in Government class someone presented Same-Sex Marriages

In return the class had really nothing to say.

People are so lame!

If you have something to say, SAY IT!!!

That's the point of the round-table projects!!!

So the question of should gay/lesbian couples adopt? And does it cause damage to the child? came up.

I was upset to see most of the class say the child would be effected and that they would grow up confused and maybe turn out gay.

The question was asked are gay people born gay or do they just decide if they are gay?

Everyone thinks we just choose to be gay.

I believe that we are born the way we are.

Then someone was like "How can you know you're gay when you're 16??!!"

Answer - How do you know you're straight at 16?

It's something that happens in nature. Yes that's right you know you see same-sex animals humping!!

So they can't mate.... who cares?! Notice how we kill the animals that are "over populating"?

Maybe we should start doing that to humans!

Oh wait we have feelings, animals don't.

Anyway the subject changed and since Alex O. is SO against this the presenter was going to ask her a serious question, but then stopped. So here I go!

M: "What if your child was gay what would you do?"

A: "I'd kill them ha-ha just kidding but, I’d be pissed and get them counseling!"

M: "It's people like you that are disgraceful."

People thought I stepped out of line.

I believe they can't handle the truth.

I'm blunt and true when it comes to things. Deal or don't.

It IS people like that, that make the gay community commit suicide.

Don't believe me?

Example: I'm gay and my mother is totally against me. I'm the baby and I get ignored because I’m gay. My mother the only one I’ll have in my life abandons me because I like girls instead of guys. Then the rest of my family is disgusted and disowns me. (I myself would over come these people)

Some people aren't strong enough to handle losing their family!

HELLO YOU ONLY GET ONE!!!!

So no one had anything to say out loud, but whispers and shit were passing through everyone. Of course about me and I was thinking wow I’m right here say it to my face! Oh wait maybe you're too afraid of me making a fool out of you. No wonder you just converse with your friends.

I'm sure people are still thinking about it, I’m sure it's being talked about right now, and I’m sure people are even MORE pissed off at me, but hey guess what.... none of you matter. In less than a month I’ll be out of this school and all it's drama.

You'll be nothing to me, Thank God.

And it makes me happy to think you feel the same way.

Thank God!

Loser Moments

I have a lot on my shoulders right now.

I have my english project due tomorrow and i totally blew it off this weekend.

I've had about 2 months to start this thing and i NEVER did.

I have nothing for it.

If i don't do this project i fail english 11 and school once again.

Why am i not doing this stuff?

I mean is there something really wrong with me that i DON'T know about?

I've been on Prozac for a good 5-6 years.

I just had the dose increased (40mg instead of 20mg)

It seemed to help.

I'm not sleeping AS much as i did.

I'm interesting in getting all my work done except for these stupid projects.

(I don't know whay i'm writing like this)

I want to graduate but i HATE this fricken english.

My mom doesn't believe in me and it's like the rest of my family (that i never see) have more faith in me then who i see everyday!

It upsets me.

I know i'm lazy and i need a job.

I guess right now Family Dollar is hiring days.....not sure but they are hiring.

I need to try for that job.

Means i can't steal from there anymore but whatever.

McDonalds is also hiring.

I need a job i don't care.

I'm just at a loss of what is happening in my life.

Old flames are occuring.

I'm upset with myself.

Babies

I am in Adult Life at school. Heidi just had her babay!....i have a picture of me holding Jordon. It's the happiest i've been in along time. I'm in internal today. Damn cellphone and school rules. I've been staring at his pictures off and on (it's 12th period) and i get a sense of compleation even though Jordon isn't mine. I feel like everything i've been confused about and worried about has all of a sudden figured itself out.
I wanted a child before i started this Rice Baby stuff (www.myspace.com/babygertabek07.com). Now that i held Jordon and saw how happy he made me, it just makes me want a child of my own EVEN more now. I was thinking about having a baby next year. If everything looks good. But of course there's still college. I want to be a good mom. I want to be able to give my child whatever it needs. Anything and everything. It will be spoiled. The money and a place to live is my main worry. I'm not bringing a child into a dump. I'm not bringing a child into a oh well i guess i'm gunna have to mooch off my mom home either. I want to be on my own. Ready to be a mom. Who will be the dad i don't know. But i do want a baby and if i have a nice guy maybe he'll be the dad. I don't know what i'm saying i just want a baby.
I'm a loser.
I have no job and i'll be surprised if i pass this year. I'm trying to do my best. I've been slacking. Pretty much the whole year really. It's like i don't want to grow up.
I feel like i'm annoying to all the other students in here right now. I'm just typing away. Mr. Matt over there though is tearing up paper and being obnixous. So i can't say i'm the worse one outta the group.
Saw miss. merwin today. She's subbing for the librarian. Which is cool seeing how she was the old 9th grade english teacher. Requested a few good books to read. I miss her really. She's pretty awesome. Though when she was here most students didn't like her. I loved her.
I only have about 20 minutes left and i'm outta here. I hope something good happens today. I don't wanna be home all weekend.

It's Been Awhile

Life has been changing for me. Heidi is having Jordon this week. Thrusday or Friday. It all depends. I'm lost in my life as of always. My ex is and asshole. Yes indeed a huge ass. Why do i even bother? Why don't i try to look for something more? Maybe someone who i deserve. I mean he can be a good guy and all, but he has his times where he is just plain ridiclous. We aren't even going out, yet he thinks he can tell me when to go home. "It's after 11 why aren't you home?!" Sorry i'm chillen with Devin playing some Halo 2. I didn't think it'd be such a problem dad. I know i deserve better and i know i could probably find better......but i guess im "in da nile".
It's getting warmer out. Still in the 40's and such but moving up nicely. The winter is still young though.
I'm not carrying around my Rice Baby anymore! I feel a little odd. I've had to carry that damn thing for so long it just doesn't feel right not having it. I made him a myspace. Yes that bored in life and enough time on my hands.
www.myspace.com/babygertabek07
Pictures of him and his "family" also a birthday cake....excuse me and my friends are fat and wanted some cake!!! Pretty yummy cake if i may say so.
Shamrock shakes are out and about!! I love the month of March for this reason only. My grandmother died on the 17th 8 years ago (this coming saturday), my exes birthday is the 20th, Leonard died on the 6th, and it's still crappy outside.
But Jordon will be born soon and Amanda's birthday was yesterday. Maybe as the years go on i'll find more things to love about March. Only time will tell.


Well I was posting this earlier this week but now that it's been 4 days, Heidi had Jordon later tuesday at 8:38pm. He's beautiful and i'm in love with him already. I took a few pictures of him and heidi. Also Ron and him. I posted them on my myspace and i posted them on Heidi's too. I can't wait to see them again. Maybe later today or sometime soon maybe monday? Who knows. But i'm so happy that everything went well. She was in at 6ish and had him by 8:40. for her first birth that was crazy labor time. She's defiantly built for pushing out babies.

BANANAS!!!!

Yea so my weekend consisted of greatness. I love jello!! I love my manda! Parties are always great at her house. I must make an appointment with her for another party =] Flava Dave went...that was interesting. I felt embarrassed that he was even there. Yes I said it! Fricken wiggers! I wanna brush my teeth! BANANAS!!! No No EMPTY Bananas! I'm chilling in the mac lab sipping on nothing =] Oh yea i'm happy today.

~Melissa Anne